Great Expectations Need to be Shared

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Having great, positive expectations of others and being patient enough to keep them at heart in spite of shortcomings is a big part of otheresteem. This is probably one of the most controversial parts of the book and certainly the one I get more questions for. Please keep asking them as I do love exploring the issue further.

So you have read my book and been able to move your expectations for how that particular person treats you into a more positive light. Now what? What happens if they “aren’t getting it”. To ensure that you act accordingly and keep believing in them, you need to communicate your vision of them being the best they can be and share your high hopes for them.

Make sure this is not a moralistic or unrealistic standpoint and that you are coming at it as an exercise in otheresteem and not in control! Are your expectations in their best interest as well as yours?  Do they reflect your work on the other practices discussed in the book, such as acceptance and appreciation? Do they come from feeling grateful for the relationship you hold together? Ask yourself these questions to really fine tune your expectations first. Then, don’t keep them to yourself!

At every opportunity express your expectation in words and back it up with your actions. That is, say what you expect and react as if it will come to pass and any straying from it is only temporary, a slip-up and not an indication of the possibilities for the future. As you find yourself doing this more and more, your otheresteem will grow and you will present people with an enticing, inviting, alluring, realistic option to go for.

Consider how much you are being the person you intend to be. It might help you grow your empathy for others on the path of becoming. As we explore on Chapter 7:

“Do you act as if you were as wonderful as you would like to be? If you aim to be generous, do you give of yourself freely? I fou like to be a respected member of your community, do your actions command respect? If you cherish ethics and truthfulness, do you communicate openly in all your dealings? There is a BIG difference between wishfully waiting for things to happen the way you would like them to and acting like you expect them to happen.”

As we have said before, otheresteem is a two way street. As you learn to expect the best from others, you will also expect it from yourself and vice versa. So, explore…learn…practice! Great expectations need to be shared.

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Sharing the Good Times

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Otheresteem is all about learning how to value others and interact with them in a way that this becomes evident! So why not concentrate on sharing the good times? You know, those times when you are laughing, and enjoying yourself. It may be at work, when things are going smoothly or something suddenly works out. Don’t keep it to yourself! Share the celebration with those people around you that contributed to the outcome or have been suffering the time when you were not enjoying yourself. And how about with your loved ones? Sometimes it gets to the point where they only see the down side of you! Do you go to your friends only when you are in trouble?

You can make it a point to share the good times. To reach out to people when you are in the best of moods. Share a smile. Take a happy stroll with them. Let the happy times make up future memories. Notice when you are having the good times and focus on the sharing part. And make sure you are not attaching specific expectations to your sharing experience. Practice sharing the good just for the heck of it! It shows you enjoy their company enough to want them near you when you are happy. And that’s a powerful way to say: I value you!

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I usually don’t attach pictures to these posts, but today as I was writing this, Zemanta showed this one in the Media Gallery as an option to illustrate the post. It’s me on my 40th birthday! I recall having many troubles at the time, yet THAT DAY was a day of sharing joy, eating cake, enjoying the company of people I love! And THAT’s what I am talking about! Good job, Zemanta! Good memories, life!


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Being Supportive and Supported.

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Have you ever thought of allowing others to support you as a way of letting them know you trust them?

Think about it: it’s a matter of otheresteem! Yes, the four practices all focus on supporting the other (through acceptance, appreciation, expectation, gratitude), yet what greater validation of someone than putting yourself in their hands? It is the ultimate positive expectation. It says: “I trust you to support me”. And it doesn’t have to be something huge, either. Just something that makes it clear.
Is there anybody who has been trying to support you and you have been turning down? You can start practicing with them. It will help you explore your own fears about allowing others to help you. It will give them the opportunity to show what they are capable of. Be it a simple part of your work, an act of kindness, a service or just a small deed on your behalf, take this chance to put yourself in the hands of another. Make it a point today to take what others have to give…see what possibilities it opens for you!

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Otheresteem for Couples.

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If there is one relationship where otheresteem practices work wonders it is in the one on one, romantic involvement of a couple. I have been married for 20 years now and happily so. No, its not all rosy all the time, but all in all, it is very enjoyable. I believe the crucial part is that I feel accepted and valued by my partner, even during the tough times. Not that I don’t sometime want to wring his neck (figuratively speaking, of course) and he, mine I am sure; but otheresteem is strong for us. The trick is how to make it evident. Every single day, one of the practices or more than one, make their way into our conversations with eachother. What do I appreciate in him? Have I accepted that aspect of him that I find so different from how I imagine it should be? What am I grateful for? How do I face this difficulty by expecting the best from him? Just asking myself those questions puts me in a different place. One of building a lasting, rewarding relationship together! And THAT is a lifetime adventure!

P.S. I LOVE HIM! (Can you tell?)

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Just How Much Inspiration?

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I am sitting here asking myself that. Just how much inspiration can I get from sharing this idea with others? It seems to be limitless! I am inspired by people making the four practices their own and finding ways of engaging others in what they are doing. I am inspired by Susan Mazza who has my book on her night table and opens it up serendipitously every day to explore a different aspect to apply. I am inspired by the responses to the tip of the day and to #OtherEsteem Wednesday on Twitter. I am inspired by Mary Jo Asmus‘ blog post today and by Becky Robinson‘s heart!  By the sweet, loving presence of Randall Krause.  By Mark Hundley and his appreciation jars! By my friend, Socorro Muñoz and the women of the Junior League Mexico. By Lolly Daskal who first called it a movement. By Mike Henry Sr. and all the fellow instigators at LeadChange Group and by Jack King of Northfork Center for Servant Leadership who are bringing otheresteem into the lives of so many present and emerging leaders. By so many of my Twitter tribe, LinkedIN contacts, Facebook friends!  By my fellow Human Element practitioners. By each and every one of my clients and associates that so openly share their experiences with me. By my loving friends and family.

I could go on and on. The great thing is, I am also allowing myself to be inspired by people that I had not been able to understand before. By the very people whom I found difficult to appreciate in the past. Now that I am making a conscious effort to appreciate the good them I can see beyond what I used to criticize, into inspiring ways of thinking, of coping with hard choices, into creative solutions for their lives and mine.

Maybe its just that I am feeling so GOOD about yesterday’s airing of my interview with Roy Saunders and S. Max Brown of Real Recognition Radio! (You can catch it HERE). I am inspired to go on. To keep exploring ways to value others more and means to get other on board practicing the very same thing.

If we can touch each other this way, there is hope for the future. There is so much to look forward to. Can you feel it? Value others more and you will surely be inspired, too!

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Its about Faith!

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Last week I invited you to explore what happened when you chose to really believe in someone consistently and see what happens! So, How did it go? It really boils down to faith, right?  Having faith is life-changing. Whether it be religious faith that guides your everyday actions, faith in yourself to get you through tough times or faith in the “kindness of strangers” like Blanche DuBois would say.

I have even been exploring lately the link between that powerful concept, faith, and the practice of expectation I suggest in the book. To quote Chapter 1:

I will treat you very differently if I see you not only as who you are, but as whom you can become. Even more, if I believe you can become whoever you desire.

Is this not putting my faith in that person’s capability for change? In what that person could do if she allowed herself to. Remember, it comes after acceptance and appreciation. So, no, I do not NEED them to change before I love them. I have faith that they will! That they will get in touch with their higher selves when they are no longer afraid of what I will think of them. They know. I HAVE FAITH IN THEM. Doesn’t that say it all?

Otheresteem is definitely a leap of faith! A very rewarding one. A tough one sometimes. A leap you get better and better at as you take it more and more. As you choose to value others and act like you do. So if the time comes when your faith seems to be misplaced, when people make it hard for you to value them, you still have your faith! And it carries you through as you learn patience. As you understand what part is up to you and what part is not. And trust that doing your part will have an impact in what others choose. And THAT is an act of faith!

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I Believe in You

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One of the most powerful things we can do for another human being is to believe in them! Even before they do. Even in the face of adversity. Even now. Think about it:

How do YOU react when someone else consistently believes you can do better, be better than you are at present?

It is a gift to the other and to yourself. We tend to shy away from making this stand because it puts the result out of our control. It takes the other to make us right and, if we are attached to being right, it is a difficult thing to do. Yet, seen differently, believing that someone can truly improve and is on the way to a better way of being is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will treat them differently, generate possibilities, create the space in which the other feels invited to move in.  Its the others’ choice if, when and how to take you up on this, but it doesn’t make you wrong to want it. It makes you stronger. More influential. Less attached to the present.

So choose whom to start with and how far you want to reach out into the future. But remember to come about it as an excersise for YOU, to see how well you can do it, how big you can dream, how consistent you can be in seeing setbacks as stepping stones, how well you can set aside the fear of failure. Don’t blame the other if they are not living up to your expectations for them. See if you can still believe! Stay on track! Focus.  Even before they do.

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Boundary Check

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The issue of boundaries is a huge one for many of us. Do we set them too close and feel uncomfortable with others? Do we set them too far and keep everyone at a distance? Finding ways in which to protect yourself enough, without shutting others out is truly an ongoing challenge that we all need to step up to!

So how about a boundary check today?

While valuing others is your choice and we have talked here much about the four practices, it is important that you strike a balance between yourself and others. I am all for getting a bit uncomfortable to build new capabilities, but just how uncomfortable is healthy? If you find yourself constantly feeling uneasy about what might happen to you or if the efforts you have put into your relationships are not yielding the right results, there could be a problem with your boundaries.

Ask yourself:

In what sense am I protecting myself too much and setting my boundaries too tightly? Might I be stronger than I thought?

Where do I need to be open to others and tell them I will no longer allow them to hurt me, ignore me, or put me down in this way? Might I do this with grace and in a loving, yet effective way?

Building my esteem for others is also knowing that they are strong enough to accept my requirements, that they can care about me enough to respect me, that they will find a way to interact with me that respects my boundaries and asserts theirs. Can I expect that of others? Can I bring it about by staying true to myself and open to them?

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You May Be Right.

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When you are angry and arguing with someone it is easy to see them as the bad party, the one that is wrong (versus my right) and the one being stubborn. Surely, you can find grounds to justify any or all of these points of view! Being right is so important to us because it means we are competent and also that we are not being unfair or stubborn ourselves. But think again: does it really matter? So many times we get into difficulties with others over who’s right.  Many of times, like the trial scene in the movie Crimson Tide, both are wrong and both are right. Of course we can see how we are right, because we come to that conclusion from the information we have and the perceptions that information has created for us!

But if we are to value the other person and work through our differences, there is another thing to consider: How they may be right as well.

Our mind, driven by our emotions and need to self-justify, will focus on ways in which they are wrong. It takes willpower to move a little beyond that (I usually laugh at myself a bit, by remembering the line from Billy Joel‘s You May Be Right: “You may be right, I may be crazy” or “you may be wrong, for all I know, but you may be right.”). It helps me to refocus on the other. At least from where she is standing, there are ways in which she is right! If I can listen to those, seriously try to figure them out, I can value the other as an individual  that thinks and behaves differently from me. I can see a different viewpoint and set of information that paints a whole different story.

This doesn’t mean I will agree with everyone, or allow them to hurt me, belittle me or damage me in any way. Only that I can appreciate them for who they are and what their current train of thought is. That I can see where they come from and how they reach conclusions so different from mine. I can move away from needing to be right to understanding how we both have different worldviews.  I can value them when we do not see eye to eye. We can agree to disagree and even to take different roads, without the need to discredit eachother.

Refreshing, don’t you think?

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The Loving Part

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When people are getting on my nerves with their actions, when they are doing things that annoy me or make valuing them a challenge, I help myself out of the downward spiral by focusing on what I call “the loving part”. Each thing we do comes from a place of internal motivation and connection with a desired outcome. Sometimes, we are baffled as to why we do not get what we long for. Why isn’t that person thankful for the (unsolicited) advice I am giving her? Why doesn’t he see I want things to work out for him? Why doesn’t she take into account my commitment to the purpose? Being misunderstood is the stuff of everyday distancing between us.

So, when I am on the receiving end of bad behavior, how can I better understand the “loving part” of what the other person is doing? I can begin by asking myself,

What do they LOVE that is evidenced by their behavior?

It may be that they want to be valued, or recognized as capable, or not seen as a quitter, or they just want to make sure they covered all their bases…the list goes on and on. There is some positive outcome that they long for that eludes them. They may be screaming at me because they really care that I don’t get into trouble. How liberating it would be to hear me say: “I hate the way you are raising your voice, but I love the fact that you care enough to be angry!” or “You probably expect more from me than even I do. Thanks! I am truly baffled about next steps and I am not playing dumb.” Focus on the loving part and be open about it. It will take you to a new place together. One where you might actually get past your differences!

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