The Otheresteem Blog Rotating Header Image

Being Together

Mar 10th, 2010
by Monica Diaz.
No comments yet

Last Saturday I had the opportunity of attending Randall Krause’s great TWO WINGS retreat! It was an expansive experience that centered on learning how to balance the Human with the Being aspects of living. I especially appreciated the theme of how simple practices can make a big difference if done consistently. That has been, as you might know from reading this blog, my point exactly with otheresteem. But the dimension of being that we worked on in the seminar comes even more to life in the presence of the others there. Getting to know eachother’s struggles to grasp our humanness and our being created the space for shared otheresteem. Beyond judgement and criticism, when we are together, yet each doing work on themselves we feel inspired and in awe of others.

So, do you have a hard time suspending judgement long enough to work on otheresteem? Shift the focus and work on yourself in the presence of others. Tell them what comes up for you when you are with them. Make your struggles to understand and include them open and straightforward. Enlist their help in understanding them better. You might just find a new way of being…together!

Read more about how Randall experienced the weekend here.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]
  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in: Practice, Relationships, awareness.
Tagged: · · · · · · ·

Otheresteem for Leaders

Feb 24th, 2010
by Monica Diaz.
8 comments

Last week I had the great opportunity of attending Leaderpalooza! So many valuable people were there! Some that I have admired and appreciated for some time now, and some new to me and great to meet. A lot of what we were discussing, related to Character-based Leadership had to do with the notion that a great leader values people consistently! How else can a leader build more leaders if not by taking otheresteem from practice to art? So today, I want to explore a few ideas fitting for leaders of any sort, in any context. And yes, that means you! I know that some of you will question whether everyone is a leader (and we could definitely get into that someday), but consider this: if nothing else, be a leader at otheresteem and see where it takes you.

Here are a few practices true leaders engage in:

Upmost respect for their fellow human. Disrespect and mistreatment of others are not a part of leadership: not a necessary evil, and not a desireable trait. Leaders that understand this have a strong conviction that dignity is always to be protected. That means that they are mindful of how they challenge others to perform, how they treat people that they are letting go, how they face difficulties, how they stand up for what they believe in and how they confront bad behavior.

Actively appreciating people near and far to their core work. Leaders that go out of their way to thank people and make it a point of appreciating the things that people put in daily to their cause generate an honest, committed  and sincere following.

Expecting the best is exciting instead of coercive. Great leaders will expect the very highest of standards from others and themselves. They will see people as the potential they possess and entice them to reach their highest goals. They expect nothing less of people, but do so in a way that is consistent with their belief that it is others that will materialize their vision. When faced with shortcomings, they will take them as learning experiences on the path to greatness, and they will show others to do the same.

Deep Gratitude. Great leaders are grateful every day, every hour, every minute for the people around them and the opportunity to build things together. They know in their heart that nothing would be possible without their relationship to them. They treasure it and understand the power it brings to be shared and sacred.

That’s the spin I have seen leaders take to the four practices. I have witnessed each of these in admirable people I have had the privilege of knowing through my work and my life. What about you? Do you know leaders that experience others like this? Did I miss anything? I would love to hear your comments on this one!

Related articles by Zemanta
Reblog this post [with Zemanta]
  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in: Practice, awareness, workplace.
Tagged: · · · · · ·

Value What Others can Do For You.

Feb 17th, 2010
by Monica Diaz.
5 comments

This morning I had started off writing a bit about how accepting help from others is a way of valuing what they can contribute to our lives. Then, I popped into Twitter to spin off the #OtherEsteem Wednesday tweets and asked my friends there:

I don’t think I can say it any better than the great Mary Jo Asmus and Becky Robinson did. Both are women I have come to appreciate over the past months as the bright, warm and smart leadership experts they are. Their help in thinking things out for me has been invaluable. So here are their tweets as food for thought:

I know for me it has been a challenge to do what Mary Jo said here. I still have to remind myself and bite my tongue before saying “It’s nothing.” or “It’s not really like that…”  It helps me to remember that when I downplay praise, I am not valuing the other person’s perception and willingness to share the positive with me. As for help, I often found myself being too self reliant and wearing myself thin. Yet, when someone offered to help, I said no. Even to things I would gladly do for them.  So now, I simply say thank you and “I accept”.  Great advice, Mary Jo and Becky!

Anything else you readers might want to help me with in expressing this idea?

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]
  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in: Practice, Relationships.
Tagged: · · · · ·

What if?

Feb 10th, 2010
by Monica Diaz.
1 comment

What if the intentions of the person in front of you are not evident? What if they are acting out? What if they are so different from you that you do not understand what is happenning? Every day, we take the opportunity to judge whether we accept the way each person behaves or not. It is not really about what they do.  It is about the meaning we attach to it. They do this because they are selfish. That, because they don’t care about us. The other thing because they don’t understand! We react defensively because we believe we know what’s behind their behavior. We are afraid of it!

But what if we are wrong? Perhaps even they have not taken the time to reflect on their motivation. They have not asked themselves the question.

What is it you hope to acomplish with this?

Do you think it will bring us closer? Are you trying to be right? Do you want to be helpful? Even it the effect is contrary to their intention, just asking them sincerely, allowing space for them to reflect and maybe even correct course can be a great otheresteem exercise! It will at least disarm your defense mechanisms long enough to contemplate less evident possibilities.  Are you brave enough to try it out?

Related articles by Zemanta
Reblog this post [with Zemanta]
  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in: Uncategorized.

Just Listen!

Feb 3rd, 2010
by Monica Diaz.
5 comments

One of my favorite authors on health and healing is Bernie Siegel. If you haven’t yet read “Love, Medicine and Miracles“, I highly recommmend it. Last night, while reading a few lines from “How to Live Between Office Visits“, I stumbled upon this reflection about the power of listening and how it heals:

When our children were growing up, if they came to me with their troubles I usually suggested solutions for them – join a group, see a therapist, take vitamins. They said, “You’re no help.” But when I sat and listened, they thanked me for what I did and told me how much I had helped them.

Listening is a wonderful way of showing otheresteem! It basically says: you matter, I take you into account, I am interested in you. And just as Bernie Siegel says, it is a lot do do for a fellow human being. In terms of the otheresteem practices from my book, it is a cornerstone of ACCEPTANCE. As I cannot fully accept that which I do not understand, deep listening is a great way of discovering who the person in front of me really is. If you can get past trying to be right or seek agreement with that person into striving to understand their point of view and getting to know them more, you will be well on the way to building acceptance.

I welcome your comments below. What is your experience of listening as an otheresteem builder? Can you value people more easily when you allow yourself to listen and suspend judgement?

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]
  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: · · · · · · · ·

Praise for Praise

Jan 27th, 2010
by Monica Diaz.
5 comments

Last night I had the wonderful opportunity of talking to Susan Mazza and Lolly Daskal on their radio show, “You Matter”.  (You can listen to the recording of it here.) As always when I speak to each of these women, I am left with much reflection and new insights. During the conversation, Lolly brought up the point that it is difficult for many people to receive praise. This definitely affects the way we practice appreciation, one of the four central aspects of otheresteem. In the book, I recall an excerpt from “Something So Right”, a song originally with lyrics and Music by Paul Simon that was adapted for Barbra Streisand’s 1974 album THE WAY WE WERE.

“When something goes right,
well it’s likely to lose me
it’s apt to confuse me.
It’s such an unusual sight!
(Oh, I swear, I swear)
I can’t get used to something so right.”

Giving and receiving praise is an important part of building relationships and, though it may feel unnatural at first, it is an easy thing to warm up to if you get it right. When praise is sincere and from the heart,  said with the only intention of sharing what we find to be true, it is a powerful way of building a connection between people. In our conflict dissolution sessions, my colleagues and I frequently ask people at odds with eachother to express what they appreciate in the other person and what they would like to thank them for. After disbelieving looks and some awkward shifting around in their chairs, they humor us with their first shot at it. The effect is usually nothing short of magic. They are frequently impressed to learn that there is more to their view of eachother than they knew. We can get back to the difficulties now, armed with the knowledge that not all is awful. It takes the edge off, and helps to create the beginning of a conversation for improvement in their relationship.

So, as any practice, it takes some perfecting. Though you might be met with suspicion in your first attempts at appreciating others, as you get better and better at it, you will understand yourself more and have a powerful way of communicating the positive.

How good are you at receiving praise? How might you make yourself more comfortable with it?

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]
  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in: Practice, Relationships.
Tagged: · · · · · ·

It’s Not Denial

Jan 20th, 2010
by Monica Diaz.
No comments yet

Uh-huh! That’s what deniers will always say, right? It is meant as a pun of course, but seriously, when we talk about otheresteem building and the practices, some people interpret that you can never have any bad feelings about someone or decide you would rather not be in a relationship with another person. Nothing further from the truth!

Otheresteem as a practice is meant to build YOU up, to bring perspective to relationships that are important to you but currently difficult.

The practice of otheresteem will allow you to explore possibilities that are otherwise not apparent, it will open up space for people to change and react differently to you and more importantly, it will help you experience deeper feelings than the hurt and anger that have been holding you back. Otheresteem practice does of course require that you suspend judgement for a time, that you leave resentment behind and that you learn to seek out the positive in relation to others. The idea is to build the foundation first and create strong enough relationships with yourself and others so that they can later withstand any test. Consider how you deal with hurt, anger or disagreement when you do it well. Its not about denial. It’s about reclaiming your responsibility and power. It’s about choosing your reactions, building relationships and getting to a point where you can be totally open and honest with eachother about the good, the bad and the ugly. How do you feel about that?

P.S. Becky Robinson of LeaderTalk has featured me and Otheresteem on her amazing blog today! Thanks, Becky! I had a great time getting to know her more in the interview and am very honored by her interest in this work.

Related articles by Zemanta
Reblog this post [with Zemanta]
  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in: Relationships, awareness.
Tagged: · · · · · · ·

The African Way

Jan 13th, 2010
by Monica Diaz.
6 comments

It doesn’t matter what you call it, as long as you are finding your own way of incorporating practices into your life that will allow you to value others more.  Every major spiritual tradition has something to add to the theme of being grateful, appreciating your fellow human, giving generously of your self.

This week, my father called my attention to a concept that I had not explored before. In Africa there is a word that embodies the spirit of otheresteem well: Ubuntu.  A fascinating word that I will surely be exploring more about! The Ubuntu philosophy is an important part of religion and guides the behavior of many Africans, inspiring political movements, change and even the creation of nations. It is a powerful word that entails the identity of self with relation to others. In 2008 Desmond Tutu said:

One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human. Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation. It speaks about our interconnectedness. You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality – Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.

We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another, whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole world. When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.

It is most definitely for the whole of humanity. Understanding our interconectedness can have a profound effect on us as individuals. It can inspire depth in relating to others, a shift in where we place our attention and a difference in how we view the impact of our words and actions.

To our western minds, Ubuntu might seem so far from the way we have been living. But, if you pay attention, you might discover the difference having more esteem for others might make in your life and in the world around you. Chapter 6 of the book explores how we can bring our otheresteem practices to the world, expanding our reach, building our awareness of the way we connect to eachother. You can start small, like we explained in the post “Its About Us All” and grow from there.  Lets find our way to Ubuntu, or any other path that will draw us together. Let’s explore that path together and move to build otheresteem into the way of the world. It can be done, but only by us, as a whole!

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]
  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in: Practice, Relationships.
Tagged: · · · ·

Use the Word or Do the Deed?

Jan 6th, 2010
by Monica Diaz.
1 comment

A great tweet by John McClung today reminded me of why I started all this!

It reflects my sentiments exactly! The whole idea of coming up with the word was to allow us to speak of it, reflect on the matter, practice it.  Otheresteem is, above all, a natural way in which human beings interact and build relationships.  But the more thought we give it, and the more we allow ourselves to expand the extent to which we value others, the better.  Of course I hope you read my book and make the word count for you, so that it will be an easy way to tend to that aspect of living in your language.  But, most of all, my hopes are that in discussing this we will all feel inspired to try it out.

So, do the deed: value people more today! See where it leads you. And if you want to explore further, buy the book, or talk about it with the people around you, or just visit this blog every week for reminders.

Make building otheresteem your daily challenge and enjoy the process!

Related articles by Zemanta
Reblog this post [with Zemanta]
  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in: Uncategorized.

Positive Polarity or the magic of the Appreciation Jars.

Dec 30th, 2009
by Monica Diaz.
1 comment

In today’s post, I want to share with you a very special otheresteem-building moment. Our extended family is like so many others: there is much love, and our share of conflict, difficulties and even the self-appointed annual Grinch! So Christmas dinner has not always turned out to be as peaceful as I would like it to be.

On Christmas Eve this year, we got together with family for our traditional holiday dinner. Every year we take the time, my husband, our children and I, to share what we appreciate in each other and what we are thankful for.  It takes place as we all weave a pine wreath and share our wishes for the world.  It has become a special, together time to look forward to.  This year, we wanted a simpler way to get close and honest with eachother that could include our extended family and not feel like an imposition on them.

That’s when I remembered what Mark Hundley had shared in that story about giving creatively : the Appreciation Jar!  I excitedly prepared everything we needed. There was one small jar for each of us and the kids decorated the tops with each person’s name and cut out little strips of colored paper for us to use.  When we were all together and had finished a gift exchange game we do, I asked each family member to pick a jar from the basket at the center of the table and make sure it was not the one with their name on it.  Each person then wrote on as many strips of paper as they wanted, things they LIKED about the person whose jar they held.  Laughingly and rather nervously the writing began.  We had said at least 10-15 strips and the jokes were about whether they would find that many things, but once you got started, it became easier and easier.

You could feel the energy in the room shift, deepen, lift! Thinking about ONLY positive things that you like about someone (even if there are a lot of things you do not like) builds your otheresteem for them and helps you realize they are not necessarily that terrible role the family has cast them in.  There is so much more to them.  Laughs, giggles, jokes, and then…slowly but surely, peace, appreciation, love came over us.  By the time we felt ready to return the jars to their owners, we were on a roll.  Each person could say whatever they wanted to give the jar, whatever they felt the need to express.  The giving of the jars was touching and full of enjoyment.  Then, we set the jars out in front of each owner and you could continue to write slips to put in any of the jars you wanted.  We were now eager to do it, and it went on and on.  It felt great to see people dropping new slips into your jar and it really created an environment of otheresteem.  We had given eachother a gift that is priceless: the chance to dine together in love and harmony,  with great otheresteem for eachother if only for that night.  We came away with those jars full of appreciation, to go back to on a rainy day or savor for times to come.

And our holiday get-together? It was polarized to the positive as never before.  Who would have known that the simple act of thinking what you like about each other person at the table would set the stage for a peaceful, wonderful, dinner?  I was not sure what to expect, but the magic of the Appreciation Jars is powerful stuff!  I said it before, and I will say it again: it is power-packed otheresteem at its best!

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]
  • Share/Bookmark

Posted in: Relationships.
Tagged: · · · · ·

← Earlier Posts

Installed by SimpleScripts