Relationships

Sharing the Good Times

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Otheresteem is all about learning how to value others and interact with them in a way that this becomes evident! So why not concentrate on sharing the good times? You know, those times when you are laughing, and enjoying yourself. It may be at work, when things are going smoothly or something suddenly works out. Don’t keep it to yourself! Share the celebration with those people around you that contributed to the outcome or have been suffering the time when you were not enjoying yourself. And how about with your loved ones? Sometimes it gets to the point where they only see the down side of you! Do you go to your friends only when you are in trouble?

You can make it a point to share the good times. To reach out to people when you are in the best of moods. Share a smile. Take a happy stroll with them. Let the happy times make up future memories. Notice when you are having the good times and focus on the sharing part. And make sure you are not attaching specific expectations to your sharing experience. Practice sharing the good just for the heck of it! It shows you enjoy their company enough to want them near you when you are happy. And that’s a powerful way to say: I value you!

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I usually don’t attach pictures to these posts, but today as I was writing this, Zemanta showed this one in the Media Gallery as an option to illustrate the post. It’s me on my 40th birthday! I recall having many troubles at the time, yet THAT DAY was a day of sharing joy, eating cake, enjoying the company of people I love! And THAT’s what I am talking about! Good job, Zemanta! Good memories, life!


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Just How Much Inspiration?

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I am sitting here asking myself that. Just how much inspiration can I get from sharing this idea with others? It seems to be limitless! I am inspired by people making the four practices their own and finding ways of engaging others in what they are doing. I am inspired by Susan Mazza who has my book on her night table and opens it up serendipitously every day to explore a different aspect to apply. I am inspired by the responses to the tip of the day and to #OtherEsteem Wednesday on Twitter. I am inspired by Mary Jo Asmus‘ blog post today and by Becky Robinson‘s heart!  By the sweet, loving presence of Randall Krause.  By Mark Hundley and his appreciation jars! By my friend, Socorro Muñoz and the women of the Junior League Mexico. By Lolly Daskal who first called it a movement. By Mike Henry Sr. and all the fellow instigators at LeadChange Group and by Jack King of Northfork Center for Servant Leadership who are bringing otheresteem into the lives of so many present and emerging leaders. By so many of my Twitter tribe, LinkedIN contacts, Facebook friends!  By my fellow Human Element practitioners. By each and every one of my clients and associates that so openly share their experiences with me. By my loving friends and family.

I could go on and on. The great thing is, I am also allowing myself to be inspired by people that I had not been able to understand before. By the very people whom I found difficult to appreciate in the past. Now that I am making a conscious effort to appreciate the good them I can see beyond what I used to criticize, into inspiring ways of thinking, of coping with hard choices, into creative solutions for their lives and mine.

Maybe its just that I am feeling so GOOD about yesterday’s airing of my interview with Roy Saunders and S. Max Brown of Real Recognition Radio! (You can catch it HERE). I am inspired to go on. To keep exploring ways to value others more and means to get other on board practicing the very same thing.

If we can touch each other this way, there is hope for the future. There is so much to look forward to. Can you feel it? Value others more and you will surely be inspired, too!

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Boundary Check

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The issue of boundaries is a huge one for many of us. Do we set them too close and feel uncomfortable with others? Do we set them too far and keep everyone at a distance? Finding ways in which to protect yourself enough, without shutting others out is truly an ongoing challenge that we all need to step up to!

So how about a boundary check today?

While valuing others is your choice and we have talked here much about the four practices, it is important that you strike a balance between yourself and others. I am all for getting a bit uncomfortable to build new capabilities, but just how uncomfortable is healthy? If you find yourself constantly feeling uneasy about what might happen to you or if the efforts you have put into your relationships are not yielding the right results, there could be a problem with your boundaries.

Ask yourself:

In what sense am I protecting myself too much and setting my boundaries too tightly? Might I be stronger than I thought?

Where do I need to be open to others and tell them I will no longer allow them to hurt me, ignore me, or put me down in this way? Might I do this with grace and in a loving, yet effective way?

Building my esteem for others is also knowing that they are strong enough to accept my requirements, that they can care about me enough to respect me, that they will find a way to interact with me that respects my boundaries and asserts theirs. Can I expect that of others? Can I bring it about by staying true to myself and open to them?

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You May Be Right.

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When you are angry and arguing with someone it is easy to see them as the bad party, the one that is wrong (versus my right) and the one being stubborn. Surely, you can find grounds to justify any or all of these points of view! Being right is so important to us because it means we are competent and also that we are not being unfair or stubborn ourselves. But think again: does it really matter? So many times we get into difficulties with others over who’s right.  Many of times, like the trial scene in the movie Crimson Tide, both are wrong and both are right. Of course we can see how we are right, because we come to that conclusion from the information we have and the perceptions that information has created for us!

But if we are to value the other person and work through our differences, there is another thing to consider: How they may be right as well.

Our mind, driven by our emotions and need to self-justify, will focus on ways in which they are wrong. It takes willpower to move a little beyond that (I usually laugh at myself a bit, by remembering the line from Billy Joel‘s You May Be Right: “You may be right, I may be crazy” or “you may be wrong, for all I know, but you may be right.”). It helps me to refocus on the other. At least from where she is standing, there are ways in which she is right! If I can listen to those, seriously try to figure them out, I can value the other as an individual  that thinks and behaves differently from me. I can see a different viewpoint and set of information that paints a whole different story.

This doesn’t mean I will agree with everyone, or allow them to hurt me, belittle me or damage me in any way. Only that I can appreciate them for who they are and what their current train of thought is. That I can see where they come from and how they reach conclusions so different from mine. I can move away from needing to be right to understanding how we both have different worldviews.  I can value them when we do not see eye to eye. We can agree to disagree and even to take different roads, without the need to discredit eachother.

Refreshing, don’t you think?

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The Loving Part

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When people are getting on my nerves with their actions, when they are doing things that annoy me or make valuing them a challenge, I help myself out of the downward spiral by focusing on what I call “the loving part”. Each thing we do comes from a place of internal motivation and connection with a desired outcome. Sometimes, we are baffled as to why we do not get what we long for. Why isn’t that person thankful for the (unsolicited) advice I am giving her? Why doesn’t he see I want things to work out for him? Why doesn’t she take into account my commitment to the purpose? Being misunderstood is the stuff of everyday distancing between us.

So, when I am on the receiving end of bad behavior, how can I better understand the “loving part” of what the other person is doing? I can begin by asking myself,

What do they LOVE that is evidenced by their behavior?

It may be that they want to be valued, or recognized as capable, or not seen as a quitter, or they just want to make sure they covered all their bases…the list goes on and on. There is some positive outcome that they long for that eludes them. They may be screaming at me because they really care that I don’t get into trouble. How liberating it would be to hear me say: “I hate the way you are raising your voice, but I love the fact that you care enough to be angry!” or “You probably expect more from me than even I do. Thanks! I am truly baffled about next steps and I am not playing dumb.” Focus on the loving part and be open about it. It will take you to a new place together. One where you might actually get past your differences!

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Being Together

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Last Saturday I had the opportunity of attending Randall Krause‘s great TWO WINGS retreat! It was an expansive experience that centered on learning how to balance the Human with the Being aspects of living. I especially appreciated the theme of how simple practices can make a big difference if done consistently. That has been, as you might know from reading this blog, my point exactly with otheresteem. But the dimension of being that we worked on in the seminar comes even more to life in the presence of the others there. Getting to know eachother’s struggles to grasp our humanness and our being created the space for shared otheresteem. Beyond judgement and criticism, when we are together, yet each doing work on themselves we feel inspired and in awe of others.

So, do you have a hard time suspending judgement long enough to work on otheresteem? Shift the focus and work on yourself in the presence of others. Tell them what comes up for you when you are with them. Make your struggles to understand and include them open and straightforward. Enlist their help in understanding them better. You might just find a new way of being…together!

Read more about how Randall experienced the weekend here.

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Value What Others can Do For You.

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This morning I had started off writing a bit about how accepting help from others is a way of valuing what they can contribute to our lives. Then, I popped into Twitter to spin off the #OtherEsteem Wednesday tweets and asked my friends there:

I don’t think I can say it any better than the great Mary Jo Asmus and Becky Robinson did. Both are women I have come to appreciate over the past months as the bright, warm and smart leadership experts they are. Their help in thinking things out for me has been invaluable. So here are their tweets as food for thought:

I know for me it has been a challenge to do what Mary Jo said here. I still have to remind myself and bite my tongue before saying “It’s nothing.” or “It’s not really like that…”  It helps me to remember that when I downplay praise, I am not valuing the other person’s perception and willingness to share the positive with me. As for help, I often found myself being too self reliant and wearing myself thin. Yet, when someone offered to help, I said no. Even to things I would gladly do for them.  So now, I simply say thank you and “I accept”.  Great advice, Mary Jo and Becky!

Anything else you readers might want to help me with in expressing this idea?

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Praise for Praise

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Last night I had the wonderful opportunity of talking to Susan Mazza and Lolly Daskal on their radio show, “You Matter”.  (You can listen to the recording of it here.) As always when I speak to each of these women, I am left with much reflection and new insights. During the conversation, Lolly brought up the point that it is difficult for many people to receive praise. This definitely affects the way we practice appreciation, one of the four central aspects of otheresteem. In the book, I recall an excerpt from “Something So Right”, a song originally with lyrics and Music by Paul Simon that was adapted for Barbra Streisand’s 1974 album THE WAY WE WERE.

“When something goes right,
well it’s likely to lose me
it’s apt to confuse me.
It’s such an unusual sight!
(Oh, I swear, I swear)
I can’t get used to something so right.”

Giving and receiving praise is an important part of building relationships and, though it may feel unnatural at first, it is an easy thing to warm up to if you get it right. When praise is sincere and from the heart,  said with the only intention of sharing what we find to be true, it is a powerful way of building a connection between people. In our conflict dissolution sessions, my colleagues and I frequently ask people at odds with eachother to express what they appreciate in the other person and what they would like to thank them for. After disbelieving looks and some awkward shifting around in their chairs, they humor us with their first shot at it. The effect is usually nothing short of magic. They are frequently impressed to learn that there is more to their view of eachother than they knew. We can get back to the difficulties now, armed with the knowledge that not all is awful. It takes the edge off, and helps to create the beginning of a conversation for improvement in their relationship.

So, as any practice, it takes some perfecting. Though you might be met with suspicion in your first attempts at appreciating others, as you get better and better at it, you will understand yourself more and have a powerful way of communicating the positive.

How good are you at receiving praise? How might you make yourself more comfortable with it?

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It’s Not Denial

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Uh-huh! That’s what deniers will always say, right? It is meant as a pun of course, but seriously, when we talk about otheresteem building and the practices, some people interpret that you can never have any bad feelings about someone or decide you would rather not be in a relationship with another person. Nothing further from the truth!

Otheresteem as a practice is meant to build YOU up, to bring perspective to relationships that are important to you but currently difficult.

The practice of otheresteem will allow you to explore possibilities that are otherwise not apparent, it will open up space for people to change and react differently to you and more importantly, it will help you experience deeper feelings than the hurt and anger that have been holding you back. Otheresteem practice does of course require that you suspend judgement for a time, that you leave resentment behind and that you learn to seek out the positive in relation to others. The idea is to build the foundation first and create strong enough relationships with yourself and others so that they can later withstand any test. Consider how you deal with hurt, anger or disagreement when you do it well. Its not about denial. It’s about reclaiming your responsibility and power. It’s about choosing your reactions, building relationships and getting to a point where you can be totally open and honest with eachother about the good, the bad and the ugly. How do you feel about that?

P.S. Becky Robinson of LeaderTalk has featured me and Otheresteem on her amazing blog today! Thanks, Becky! I had a great time getting to know her more in the interview and am very honored by her interest in this work.

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The African Way

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It doesn’t matter what you call it, as long as you are finding your own way of incorporating practices into your life that will allow you to value others more.  Every major spiritual tradition has something to add to the theme of being grateful, appreciating your fellow human, giving generously of your self.

This week, my father called my attention to a concept that I had not explored before. In Africa there is a word that embodies the spirit of otheresteem well: Ubuntu.  A fascinating word that I will surely be exploring more about! The Ubuntu philosophy is an important part of religion and guides the behavior of many Africans, inspiring political movements, change and even the creation of nations. It is a powerful word that entails the identity of self with relation to others. In 2008 Desmond Tutu said:

One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human. Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation. It speaks about our interconnectedness. You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality – Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.

We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another, whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole world. When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.

It is most definitely for the whole of humanity. Understanding our interconectedness can have a profound effect on us as individuals. It can inspire depth in relating to others, a shift in where we place our attention and a difference in how we view the impact of our words and actions.

To our western minds, Ubuntu might seem so far from the way we have been living. But, if you pay attention, you might discover the difference having more esteem for others might make in your life and in the world around you. Chapter 6 of the book explores how we can bring our otheresteem practices to the world, expanding our reach, building our awareness of the way we connect to eachother. You can start small, like we explained in the post “Its About Us All” and grow from there.  Lets find our way to Ubuntu, or any other path that will draw us together. Let’s explore that path together and move to build otheresteem into the way of the world. It can be done, but only by us, as a whole!

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