I read a phrase on Facebook that caught my eye:

Don´t feel bad if people remember you only when they need you

Feel priviledged that you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness.

I am taking this opportunity to understand my reaction to being helped and others’ reaction to my asking. Of course there is the fear that they will turn me down or see me as weak, dumb or whatever the case, but even worse is the feeling that they will say yes. Then what? What will they expect from me? How will it change us? The answers are varied of course, but I have found much to learn in this sense. How highly must I think of someone to go to them for help? How highly must they think of me to offer it freely and with no strings attached? There is room for let-downs, of course, as well as wonderful surprises! I can take it, they can take it, we can take it! WE can go to the next level of our relationship or leave it learning how it happened.

I believe that learning to ask for help and deciding who to ask is as much an otheresteem practice as an act of swallowing your own pride. I might be asking more frequently, even when I don’t need it so much, just to show I believe they would help me.  What do you think?

Just remember today, of all things you are grateful for, most of all, be grateful for the relationship you hold with others. Here’s a little checklist of ways in which you might explore your gratitude even in the not-so-easy relationships:

Be grateful for their presence. Just for being in your life. Imagine what life might be like if you lost them and realize in which ways it would be different. More specifically, what you would miss.

Be grateful for what they have helped you learn.A tough mentor left you with great self-discipline, a pas

t love left you understanding more of what love should be. You get the point.

Grateful for the path you walked together. For the memories and the trials you faced beside them, you might find it good to feel grateful.

Related articles

• Being in a State of Gratitude (aspire-cs.com)
• Gratitude (wellbeingforpp.wordpress.com)

I am truly grateful for that Wednesday reminder I get thanks to that now old suggestion by the wonderful Lolly Daskal to start #OtherEsteem Wednesday on Twitter. I recently made an effort to revive it, which I blogged about here. (Thanks again, folks!)

Though it rises and wanes over there, it does serve as a reminder to me to walk my other esteem talk and practice, practice, practice. I find that the mere fact that it is that day of the week, nudges me toward writing about it, exploring it, coming back to it.

Recently, I have been participating in a 12 week program featuring otheresteem to celebrate the upcoming publishing of the much-awaited Spanish version of my book. Being with this bunch for 12 whole weeks on the subject, coming back to it, deepening, exploring has kept me nimble and made the relevance of practice even more evident.

I thought the same when I went to the theater with my son the other day. The show was a monologue about what being human means. The actor has been doing the same monologue for more than 20 years. Talk about practice! I bet he gets something different out of the experience every time, too!

What are the constants in your life that you come back to? Might valuing others become one of them and change the way you interact and view the people around you?

—

P.S. If you speak Spanish and want to take a peek at the program (first four weeks are free along with 5 other courses on Happiness, Image, Spirituality and Riches) click HERE.

Related articles

• Not bad for a Revival! (otheresteem.org)
• Allow yourself to be inspired by Others. (otheresteem.org)
• Networking #leadfromwithin Style (lollydaskal.com)

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Today we celebrate Day of the Dead (Día de Muertos) in Mexico. Contrary to what you might think, it is a happy celebration, an opportunity to remember your departed friends and family with love and appreciation. During the festivities, we write poems defying death, eat candy skulls and share a meal with the spirits of those who have passed away before us.

As we remember the dead, I realize that the way we do is a great expression of otheresteem. We recall all their virtues and none of their difficulties. We appreciate what we can in them, and accentuate the positive.

We could be doing that for the living, too!

How would you speak of the people around you if they were already gone? Would you find new things to appreciate in them?

 

¡Feliz día de muertos a todos!

It’s funny how we relate in a challenging and energy-sucking way with so many people. I know you have experienced this. After all, who hasn’t? I am talking about that person you feel you can’t cut out of your life, yet you suffer immensely in their presence. Every single time. It’s a test to your patience just to hang around this individual.  The worst you that you can be is just fighting to come out. You tell yourself she won’t get to you, but a few minutes into the conversation every cell in your body is vibrating, and not in a good way!

Well, let me just say: this is probably a GREAT opportunity for you to practice otheresteem. Nothing much to be lost and you can’t possibly feel much worse, so why not, I say.

So, I want to share with you a little game I play. It’s called looking through. Simple concept, actually. As I have a conversation with this person (and feel the exasperation coming on), I focus on looking through what he is saying, and into the good part of who that person is, what she is experiencing or aiming for, at the core. (Hint: it’s the POSITIVE part of them I am looking for and, yes, it’s hidden somewhere.)

Yesterday I was listening to an acquaintance go on and on bragging about how well he handled people being aggressive with him. He boasted that people tended to do that and went on to enlist his long list and ongoing collection of quarrels with people, known to me or not. Ugh! Not my favorite take on life. I found myself thinking: this is so stupid? Who in the world brags about fighting with others, antagonizing, being punched in the face and such? And then, I decided to play the look through.

As I continued to listen I looked intently. My head tilts a bit to the side when I do that. I realized he was saying how competent he was and how he usually came on top. He’s a survivor. He has turned this difficulty in relating into his way of life. It’s a hard life. And he feels strong for it. I breathed. I said, “You take pride in being strong. Surviving and winning.” He stopped the rambling description he was into. Sighed a bit and said “I’ve become quite good at that. The surviving mode.” and, finally, he laughed and went on to more amicable subject. What a rush! I understood him a bit more.

Wanna play? Try it out and tell me where it takes you.

….

P.S. Today is #Otheresteem Wednesday on Twitter, so if you are there, hop right in to the STREAM OF OTHERESTEEM!

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Just a quick note to thank everyone who participated yesterday in bringing back #OtherEsteem Wednesday on Twitter. Here’s a beautiful list of tweets, 260 in all! Wonderful for this revival of an inspiring journey started more than a year ago.

Check out this PDF created with the tweets from it all through TWEETDOC! Enjoy and see you next Wednesday! YOU inspire me!

Me, Blessed

The intention was to have a word for it. I wanted people to be able to think about valuing others easily and readily. Especially the coaches I was training. We coined that word together to refer to the opposite side of a two way street: valuing others one way and self in return, or the other way around. Many of us have found it creeping into our everyday awareness. We use the word liberally and it helps us remember others on a daily basis.

But the concept also does something else for me. It allows me to be constantly inspired by others and the way they live, learn, work, connect. It lets me see beyond the outer shell and into the best they give out into the world. So, as a byproduct of the four practices I have found myself inspired beyond what I had experienced before. In awe of what people are capable of and thankful for what they open up in me. So today I write this post with great gratitude for what each and every person I encounter teaches me about who I am and who I can become.

So if it is inspiration you are looking for, look no more! It’s all around you if you choose to accept, appreciate, expect the best and feel grateful for your relationship to others. So, what do you say? WIll you allow yourself to be inspired by others? I highly recommend it! It is a simply wonderful feeling and highly productive experience.

Related articles

• Thought-Full Thursday: Valuing Those You’ve Dismissed (aspire-cs.com)
• Let the Wild Ones Be Wild (randomactsofleadership.com)

Hey, are you on Twitter? Join us today and every Wednesday, by tweeting about how to value others more, with the hashtag #OtherEsteem!

“Creeping mediocrity, huh? I need only keep having high positive expectations of others and it rubs off on what I want from ME, too!”

 

I find this to be true and, as I explain in the book, it is one of the reasons I love working on the otheresteem practices, especially expectation that it comes full circle and ultimately boosts my self esteem. The truth is, if you can learn to value others, you will end up valuing yourself more. And if you make sure you don’t lower expectations but expect the very best from those around you, then how could you not offer to give the very best yourself?

The second reflection is about an book I just finished. Really good books bring up a bittersweet feeling for me. It’s nice to get something done, but it is also difficult to part with this nighttime companion; to end my imagined conversations with the author.  I feel empty, sad that it’s over. Like an old friend that I will miss. I find myself so attached to the ideas that I wish the book was longer. So, in saddened emptiness, I picked up the nearest book. It was not a new one. It was my own. I figured just a few words before drifting off to sleep. At first, I noticed everything I would now write differently, or correct (yeah, I do that). But upon letting go of the criticism – and remembering I am not so strict with other authors – I started really having that conversation with myself. How much have I been practicing? How can I deepen it? Am I still committed to these musings?

Would you like to know the answers? Not enough….By just doing it more…I am! Nice things to discover before drifting off to sleep. I think I’ll stick with this one, to the end.

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Have you experienced this? What are YOUR ideas to help get past a rough patch in a significant relationship?

“It is NOT the differences between us that get us in trouble, but the rigidity with which we adhere to those differences.”

So how can we purposefully bridge those imaginary distances? How can we choose to come closer?

One way it the 4 practices of otheresteem, of course. Yet, to keep it even simpler, we can ask ourselves that very question in every action we take. Does this bring me closer to that person or does it- in my own mind – widen the distance?

Let’s explore three ways:

Being OPEN and HONEST brings you closer. Contrary to what you might think, if you allow yourself to be true and vulnerable you will create the possibility for closeness. It is about accepting yourself and understanding that your truth might not be theirs, yet you am acting from what you see. Authenticity is a great ally of closeness.

Accptance goes a long way. Stop yourself from playing the critic! Do it NOW. If you want to come closer to someone, make sure you suspend judgement. It’s not that you agree with them in everything. It’s the fact that you shift from judging to understanding that creates a possibility for more proximity. Being accepted, paradoxically, leads to less defensiveness and more willingness to change.

Recognition is a straightforward way to lessen the gap. Substitute the criticism you left behind, for open recognition of what you appreciate in the other. When you recognize openly and truthfully you make them want to come to you.

What OTHER ways do you use of coming closer to the people you want to be tighter with?