You May Be Right.

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April 8, 2010

When you are angry and arguing with someone it is easy to see them as the bad party, the one that is wrong (versus my right) and the one being stubborn. Surely, you can find grounds to justify any or all of these points of view! Being right is so important to us because it means we are competent and also that we are not being unfair or stubborn ourselves. But think again: does it really matter? So many times we get into difficulties with others over who’s right.  Many of times, like the trial scene in the movie Crimson Tide, both are wrong and both are right. Of course we can see how we are right, because we come to that conclusion from the information we have and the perceptions that information has created for us!

But if we are to value the other person and work through our differences, there is another thing to consider: How they may be right as well.

Our mind, driven by our emotions and need to self-justify, will focus on ways in which they are wrong. It takes willpower to move a little beyond that (I usually laugh at myself a bit, by remembering the line from Billy Joel‘s You May Be Right: “You may be right, I may be crazy” or “you may be wrong, for all I know, but you may be right.”). It helps me to refocus on the other. At least from where she is standing, there are ways in which she is right! If I can listen to those, seriously try to figure them out, I can value the other as an individual  that thinks and behaves differently from me. I can see a different viewpoint and set of information that paints a whole different story.

This doesn’t mean I will agree with everyone, or allow them to hurt me, belittle me or damage me in any way. Only that I can appreciate them for who they are and what their current train of thought is. That I can see where they come from and how they reach conclusions so different from mine. I can move away from needing to be right to understanding how we both have different worldviews.  I can value them when we do not see eye to eye. We can agree to disagree and even to take different roads, without the need to discredit eachother.

Refreshing, don’t you think?

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  • Great post, Monica. I agree that we have this tendency to dig our heels into the ground and become fixated on defending our position. But as you pointed out, there's no reason why we can't recognize that the other party has valid reasons behind their stance out of fear that it somehow means we're giving up what matters to us.

    One thing we often forget is that to communicate with others, you need to listen to them, even when we might not want to hear what they have to say.

    By the way, yours is the second post that I've read that used Billy Joel's lyrics as part of its argument. I really should start thinking about doing one myself.
  • :) Maybe you should! The Wisdom of Billy Joel could be a book in itself! LOL! Thanks for your comment!
  • That is one of my favorite phrases, Monica, though I don't use it often enough! When I do, it opens the door to dialogue because I follow up the statement "You may be right" with questions that explore their perspective more deeply. What keeps us from doing this more often, I think, is the fear of being wrong, which when we peel back the layers, is the fear of looking stupid to someone whose opinion matters to us. Another hard part is truly respecting that the other person's opinion is just as valid as mine. Great post!
  • It is very refreshing! Focusing on how right "we" are and how wrong "they" are can give us a false sense of power. The real power comes from our ability to be open to other points of view. Not only will it deepen our relationships but we might learn something, too!
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