Tag: acceptance

Its about Faith!

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Last week I invited you to explore what happened when you chose to really believe in someone consistently and see what happens! So, How did it go? It really boils down to faith, right?  Having faith is life-changing. Whether it be religious faith that guides your everyday actions, faith in yourself to get you through tough times or faith in the “kindness of strangers” like Blanche DuBois would say.

I have even been exploring lately the link between that powerful concept, faith, and the practice of expectation I suggest in the book. To quote Chapter 1:

I will treat you very differently if I see you not only as who you are, but as whom you can become. Even more, if I believe you can become whoever you desire.

Is this not putting my faith in that person’s capability for change? In what that person could do if she allowed herself to. Remember, it comes after acceptance and appreciation. So, no, I do not NEED them to change before I love them. I have faith that they will! That they will get in touch with their higher selves when they are no longer afraid of what I will think of them. They know. I HAVE FAITH IN THEM. Doesn’t that say it all?

Otheresteem is definitely a leap of faith! A very rewarding one. A tough one sometimes. A leap you get better and better at as you take it more and more. As you choose to value others and act like you do. So if the time comes when your faith seems to be misplaced, when people make it hard for you to value them, you still have your faith! And it carries you through as you learn patience. As you understand what part is up to you and what part is not. And trust that doing your part will have an impact in what others choose. And THAT is an act of faith!

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I Believe in You

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One of the most powerful things we can do for another human being is to believe in them! Even before they do. Even in the face of adversity. Even now. Think about it:

How do YOU react when someone else consistently believes you can do better, be better than you are at present?

It is a gift to the other and to yourself. We tend to shy away from making this stand because it puts the result out of our control. It takes the other to make us right and, if we are attached to being right, it is a difficult thing to do. Yet, seen differently, believing that someone can truly improve and is on the way to a better way of being is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will treat them differently, generate possibilities, create the space in which the other feels invited to move in.  Its the others’ choice if, when and how to take you up on this, but it doesn’t make you wrong to want it. It makes you stronger. More influential. Less attached to the present.

So choose whom to start with and how far you want to reach out into the future. But remember to come about it as an excersise for YOU, to see how well you can do it, how big you can dream, how consistent you can be in seeing setbacks as stepping stones, how well you can set aside the fear of failure. Don’t blame the other if they are not living up to your expectations for them. See if you can still believe! Stay on track! Focus.  Even before they do.

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You May Be Right.

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When you are angry and arguing with someone it is easy to see them as the bad party, the one that is wrong (versus my right) and the one being stubborn. Surely, you can find grounds to justify any or all of these points of view! Being right is so important to us because it means we are competent and also that we are not being unfair or stubborn ourselves. But think again: does it really matter? So many times we get into difficulties with others over who’s right.  Many of times, like the trial scene in the movie Crimson Tide, both are wrong and both are right. Of course we can see how we are right, because we come to that conclusion from the information we have and the perceptions that information has created for us!

But if we are to value the other person and work through our differences, there is another thing to consider: How they may be right as well.

Our mind, driven by our emotions and need to self-justify, will focus on ways in which they are wrong. It takes willpower to move a little beyond that (I usually laugh at myself a bit, by remembering the line from Billy Joel‘s You May Be Right: “You may be right, I may be crazy” or “you may be wrong, for all I know, but you may be right.”). It helps me to refocus on the other. At least from where she is standing, there are ways in which she is right! If I can listen to those, seriously try to figure them out, I can value the other as an individual  that thinks and behaves differently from me. I can see a different viewpoint and set of information that paints a whole different story.

This doesn’t mean I will agree with everyone, or allow them to hurt me, belittle me or damage me in any way. Only that I can appreciate them for who they are and what their current train of thought is. That I can see where they come from and how they reach conclusions so different from mine. I can move away from needing to be right to understanding how we both have different worldviews.  I can value them when we do not see eye to eye. We can agree to disagree and even to take different roads, without the need to discredit eachother.

Refreshing, don’t you think?

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The Loving Part

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When people are getting on my nerves with their actions, when they are doing things that annoy me or make valuing them a challenge, I help myself out of the downward spiral by focusing on what I call “the loving part”. Each thing we do comes from a place of internal motivation and connection with a desired outcome. Sometimes, we are baffled as to why we do not get what we long for. Why isn’t that person thankful for the (unsolicited) advice I am giving her? Why doesn’t he see I want things to work out for him? Why doesn’t she take into account my commitment to the purpose? Being misunderstood is the stuff of everyday distancing between us.

So, when I am on the receiving end of bad behavior, how can I better understand the “loving part” of what the other person is doing? I can begin by asking myself,

What do they LOVE that is evidenced by their behavior?

It may be that they want to be valued, or recognized as capable, or not seen as a quitter, or they just want to make sure they covered all their bases…the list goes on and on. There is some positive outcome that they long for that eludes them. They may be screaming at me because they really care that I don’t get into trouble. How liberating it would be to hear me say: “I hate the way you are raising your voice, but I love the fact that you care enough to be angry!” or “You probably expect more from me than even I do. Thanks! I am truly baffled about next steps and I am not playing dumb.” Focus on the loving part and be open about it. It will take you to a new place together. One where you might actually get past your differences!

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Like you Know Them

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Recently my brother in law, who used to be pretty good chick magnet way back when (before he became a loving father of five) was dispensing some flirting advice to my teenage son. My son was complaining that he didn’t know how to approach unknown girls at a party before being introduced and that, once he was past hello he didn’t know how to start a conversation. His uncle smiled and looked at him knowingly, then said

That’s easy! Just come up to them like you know them.

By this he meant just walk up and greet them like you would the oldest, closest of your friends. Shake the hand, kiss the cheek, greet with a smile like its a close friend you haven’t seen in a while.  Then, just tell them your name, and go on from there. Its fool-proof, he said. Well, I don’t know about that, but it did get me thinking about acceptance.

What is it about an old, long-lost friend that would make our greeting them so different from greeting a stranger? In the book, I talk about my father’s drunken childhood friend and how they really loved each other despite their many differences. Childhood friends are people we take as they are because we KNOW them. We know where they come from and how their choices steered their lives in different directions. We know who they are in their hearts and love what they have always been, not necessarily what they have become through the years.

So, how could we apply this same concept to the practices for valuing others more? Imagine what might happen if you try it out with someone you would like to value more than you currently do. What if, just for today, you act as if you knew them perfectly? Knew and accepted. Knew and valued.  If you can greet them as if you could see through their current state, into the good in their hearts, will it help bring out the best in them? If you keep at it for a while, will they catch on?  After all, there is nothing to lose and much to be won.  Who knows? It might even be sure-fire, like my brother in law said!

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Being Together

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Last Saturday I had the opportunity of attending Randall Krause‘s great TWO WINGS retreat! It was an expansive experience that centered on learning how to balance the Human with the Being aspects of living. I especially appreciated the theme of how simple practices can make a big difference if done consistently. That has been, as you might know from reading this blog, my point exactly with otheresteem. But the dimension of being that we worked on in the seminar comes even more to life in the presence of the others there. Getting to know eachother’s struggles to grasp our humanness and our being created the space for shared otheresteem. Beyond judgement and criticism, when we are together, yet each doing work on themselves we feel inspired and in awe of others.

So, do you have a hard time suspending judgement long enough to work on otheresteem? Shift the focus and work on yourself in the presence of others. Tell them what comes up for you when you are with them. Make your struggles to understand and include them open and straightforward. Enlist their help in understanding them better. You might just find a new way of being…together!

Read more about how Randall experienced the weekend here.

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Value What Others can Do For You.

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This morning I had started off writing a bit about how accepting help from others is a way of valuing what they can contribute to our lives. Then, I popped into Twitter to spin off the #OtherEsteem Wednesday tweets and asked my friends there:

I don’t think I can say it any better than the great Mary Jo Asmus and Becky Robinson did. Both are women I have come to appreciate over the past months as the bright, warm and smart leadership experts they are. Their help in thinking things out for me has been invaluable. So here are their tweets as food for thought:

I know for me it has been a challenge to do what Mary Jo said here. I still have to remind myself and bite my tongue before saying “It’s nothing.” or “It’s not really like that…”  It helps me to remember that when I downplay praise, I am not valuing the other person’s perception and willingness to share the positive with me. As for help, I often found myself being too self reliant and wearing myself thin. Yet, when someone offered to help, I said no. Even to things I would gladly do for them.  So now, I simply say thank you and “I accept”.  Great advice, Mary Jo and Becky!

Anything else you readers might want to help me with in expressing this idea?

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Just Listen!

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One of my favorite authors on health and healing is Bernie Siegel. If you haven’t yet read “Love, Medicine and Miracles“, I highly recommmend it. Last night, while reading a few lines from “How to Live Between Office Visits“, I stumbled upon this reflection about the power of listening and how it heals:

When our children were growing up, if they came to me with their troubles I usually suggested solutions for them – join a group, see a therapist, take vitamins. They said, “You’re no help.” But when I sat and listened, they thanked me for what I did and told me how much I had helped them.

Listening is a wonderful way of showing otheresteem! It basically says: you matter, I take you into account, I am interested in you. And just as Bernie Siegel says, it is a lot do do for a fellow human being. In terms of the otheresteem practices from my book, it is a cornerstone of ACCEPTANCE. As I cannot fully accept that which I do not understand, deep listening is a great way of discovering who the person in front of me really is. If you can get past trying to be right or seek agreement with that person into striving to understand their point of view and getting to know them more, you will be well on the way to building acceptance.

I welcome your comments below. What is your experience of listening as an otheresteem builder? Can you value people more easily when you allow yourself to listen and suspend judgement?

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A little bit closer.

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Practicing otheresteeem is not only about people different from you or people you have not been able to relate to well.  There are closer, more significant relationships that you can work on.  For instance, reflect:

Who have you drifted apart from?

Who have you allowed to slip away?

As life develops, as time goes by and you go about your daily life, you tend to neglect some relationships that you enjoy and benefit from but that are not in your close circle of influence.  Perhaps an old friend, a relative that you haven’t seen, a colleague you enjoyed working with but no longer have that project going.  A number of things can keep us separate.  Guilt gets in the way sometimes.  If you forgot to call on her birthday, or didn’t find the time to congratulate him on the award, or attend her mother’s funeral, you might block yourself from further contact to avoid facing that you acted in ways you did not intend to in the past.

Otheresteem and the intention of practicing it can lead to  increased awareness about issues such as these.  Whatever the case, just realize the unintended distance between you and some people you have slipped further away from.  Notice if you would like to be closer.  Then, just as practice, take the plunge! Call them up.  Ask them out.  Just slip them a note, email or phone message.  It might make a world of a difference or not at all, but you will be practicing a different approach, based on otheresteem.  Whatever you do, do not make these approaches about the past, or intend to patch things up this time. Use the four practices in your encounter:

  • Accept what is and whatever response they give you.  In any case, take it as an opportunity to understand yourself and how you react to others.
  • Appreciate actively.  Tell the person what you appreciate in him or her.  Be clear and to the point.  What made you think of them?
  • Expect only the best from this encounter.  Beware of unreasonable expectations about the outcome.  Remember you are practicing otheresteem and the focus is on the giving here, not the taking.  Make sure you give freely and not expect a specific reaction from the other.  I often hear in my head the lyrics to that Santana song: “Oh, Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.” Get beyond the fear by expecting a learning experience in whatever form it comes and being open to the other person reacting positively.
  • Be grateful for the relationship you hold together now, for the relationship you held in the past and for the possibilities ahead of you.  Make that as clear as you can, especially to yourself.

Surely, this practice will bring you a little bit closer.  Maybe to the other person, maybe to yourself, maybe to understanding the power of otheresteem.  Lets see where it goes.  Let us know in the comments.  Share your story and we can all learn from eachother.  Hey, it might even bring US a little bit closer!

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