It’s Not Denial

Uh-huh! That’s what deniers will always say, right? It is meant as a pun of course, but seriously, when we talk about otheresteem building and the practices, some people interpret that you can never have any bad feelings about someone or decide you would rather not be in a relationship with another person. Nothing further from the truth!

Otheresteem as a practice is meant to build YOU up, to bring perspective to relationships that are important to you but currently difficult.

The practice of otheresteem will allow you to explore possibilities that are otherwise not apparent, it will open up space for people to change and react differently to you and more importantly, it will help you experience deeper feelings than the hurt and anger that have been holding you back. Otheresteem practice does of course require that you suspend judgement for a time, that you leave resentment behind and that you learn to seek out the positive in relation to others. The idea is to build the foundation first and create strong enough relationships with yourself and others so that they can later withstand any test. Consider how you deal with hurt, anger or disagreement when you do it well. Its not about denial. It’s about reclaiming your responsibility and power. It’s about choosing your reactions, building relationships and getting to a point where you can be totally open and honest with eachother about the good, the bad and the ugly. How do you feel about that?

P.S. Becky Robinson of LeaderTalk has featured me and Otheresteem on her amazing blog today! Thanks, Becky! I had a great time getting to know her more in the interview and am very honored by her interest in this work.

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Positive Polarity or the magic of the Appreciation Jars.

In today’s post, I want to share with you a very special otheresteem-building moment. Our extended family is like so many others: there is much love, and our share of conflict, difficulties and even the self-appointed annual Grinch! So Christmas dinner has not always turned out to be as peaceful as I would like it to be.

On Christmas Eve this year, we got together with family for our traditional holiday dinner. Every year we take the time, my husband, our children and I, to share what we appreciate in each other and what we are thankful for.  It takes place as we all weave a pine wreath and share our wishes for the world.  It has become a special, together time to look forward to.  This year, we wanted a simpler way to get close and honest with eachother that could include our extended family and not feel like an imposition on them.

That’s when I remembered what Mark Hundley had shared in that story about giving creatively : the Appreciation Jar!  I excitedly prepared everything we needed. There was one small jar for each of us and the kids decorated the tops with each person’s name and cut out little strips of colored paper for us to use.  When we were all together and had finished a gift exchange game we do, I asked each family member to pick a jar from the basket at the center of the table and make sure it was not the one with their name on it.  Each person then wrote on as many strips of paper as they wanted, things they LIKED about the person whose jar they held.  Laughingly and rather nervously the writing began.  We had said at least 10-15 strips and the jokes were about whether they would find that many things, but once you got started, it became easier and easier.

You could feel the energy in the room shift, deepen, lift! Thinking about ONLY positive things that you like about someone (even if there are a lot of things you do not like) builds your otheresteem for them and helps you realize they are not necessarily that terrible role the family has cast them in.  There is so much more to them.  Laughs, giggles, jokes, and then…slowly but surely, peace, appreciation, love came over us.  By the time we felt ready to return the jars to their owners, we were on a roll.  Each person could say whatever they wanted to give the jar, whatever they felt the need to express.  The giving of the jars was touching and full of enjoyment.  Then, we set the jars out in front of each owner and you could continue to write slips to put in any of the jars you wanted.  We were now eager to do it, and it went on and on.  It felt great to see people dropping new slips into your jar and it really created an environment of otheresteem.  We had given eachother a gift that is priceless: the chance to dine together in love and harmony,  with great otheresteem for eachother if only for that night.  We came away with those jars full of appreciation, to go back to on a rainy day or savor for times to come.

And our holiday get-together? It was polarized to the positive as never before.  Who would have known that the simple act of thinking what you like about each other person at the table would set the stage for a peaceful, wonderful, dinner?  I was not sure what to expect, but the magic of the Appreciation Jars is powerful stuff!  I said it before, and I will say it again: it is power-packed otheresteem at its best!

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